Thoughtful...for some reason that seems appropriate, and at the same time, doesn't even begin to explain how I feel.

(I want this to be raw thought, so any mistakes will remain, sorry if there are any, but I don't want to edit the way I feel and think right now. Raw feelings are the best way to understand, I believe.) (I also have no idea how long this is going to be.)

I feel...
...alone?
...sad?
...helpless?
...in pain?
...troublesome?
...unsure?

As I look at that list of things I came up with off the top of my head in an attempt to understand this, I realize how depressing they sound. I don't feel nearly as depressed as that seems. Then again, maybe I do, and I just don't want to admit it. Honestly, I think the odds of that are much more likely.

I feel so conflicted as to what I'm supposed to be doing. What I should be doing day by day. What I should be doing with my life. What I should have done with my past. I try to live my life with no regrets, but then I wonder, is that really the best choice? I believe it is, because I know that there must be a reason for every choice that I make, but I still can't make sense of some choices. Is it possible that I'm just not supposed to?

I feel at times like I do not at all belong around the people I am. Like I am the total odd man out. It didn't seem that way at first, but the longer I stay here, the more I feel like that. I really wish it wasn't so, but you really can't change shit like that can you?
The strange thing about it is that I only feel that way around certain people, at certain times. I don't really feel like that around Dan and/or Mike. Sometimes I feel like that around Eric. And I almost always feel like that around Tim. With Ashley, it comes and goes. I almost always feel like that when around Tim, even if it's all 6 or more of us. But even when it's just us in our room, I still sometimes feel like that.

I'm also terribly conflicted (have I used that word yet? Maybe it should be part of that list I made at first...is it? I don't remember...) over this whole issue. I was going to censor this, for the sake of preserving my "secret", but you know what, fuck it. I highly doubt he'll read this, and if so, oh well, maybe that'll (why does Firefox hate the word "that'll" so bad?...twice) help. (I've also given up on the not swearing, hope no one was trying not to read swear words today.) For some reason, I still find it hard to just out and admit this, and explain this. I'll just keep writing about it as is, no past explanations. Really the only one likely to be reading this would by Rey, and he already knows this story. Although it's been a while since we've talked about it.
Despite the fact that I spent so much time away from here during the break, I still find myself thinking about Eric that way. I still think he's attractive, and am still interested. But as I did before I left, if not more so now, I know that I have no chance in hell with him. So why can't I just give up on this? Why can I not let it go? Will I ever be able to be in the same room with him, and not have trouble controlling my brain?
Is there an easy way to tell your feelings that you just can't fall for that person again? I have this overwhelming feeling that it is simply a lost cause, yet my heart won't leave me alone. I want to just ignore it, and treat him like just another person on this earth, but for some reason I just can't.

There is so much more that I want to write on that and to understand, but for some reason, I can't even make sense of it enough in my own brain to be able to write it down. Maybe later I'll be able to allow myself to just write openly, and won't feel like I need to conceal my thoughts. But right now I do. Maybe it's because I've spent the last 5 months concealing this, I really just can't openly discuss it.

Why do I feel like I am destined to spend the rest of my life alone? I'm almost 21, I've only had one serious boyfriend, and that ended 3 years ago. Since then, love in my life has simply just not worked out at all. Every guy I've ever been interested in was just not interested, or otherwise unavailable. I can't seem to find a person who I feel comfortable around, with whom I can be myself, and is interested in me. Maybe that's my problem with Eric, and why I have such terrible feelings about the prospects of that. Because I don't feel like I can openly be myself around him, or that he does or could understand me. That's what I really want and need in life. Is someone with whom I can really be myself, as fucked up as I am. Maybe I need to find a way to work out all of my own issues first? But, honestly, I'm not ready for that. There are so many issues still in my life, from my past, and from the current, that I'm really just not ready to deal with. Issues with my father, and such, which probably are really effecting my interaction with guys, and possibly with people in general. Some days I really just feel like I should live my life in solitude. Because I feel that the only person who I can really feel comfortable around is myself, and really I can only be comfortable around myself some of the times. Others, I'm confused, angry, and ashamed of myself. As unnatural and unhealthy as that seems.

As I look back at some other journals I have written here, in an attempt to weed out ones that are completely unnecessary at this point, I realize that these thoughts and feelings are such that I have all the time. My issues and thoughts with Eric are pretty much constant going back to 04, when I started all of this. Maybe it's me, not people around me. As hard as that is to admit.

I really think the only answer for me is therapy. But I am so just not ready to face some of these issues. I know that it's not healthy to ignore it so long, and to pretend that stuff just didn't happen. Or to pretend that things don't bother me, but that's the only way I can function right now. I'm so close to finishing this degree. I plan to take some time off before I go to grad school, IF I plan to go to grad school. Maybe during that time I'll be able to take care of some of this.
For now, the issue remains that I would like to find a guy. Someone who I can be me with. Someone who I won't have to feel like I am restricting myself when I am around them. Now that I've written all of this, I realize that that is the way I feel around Eric. I'm not really able to be myself around him. The few times that I have, it just didn't turn out well, he kinda treated me like I was crazy. Because in all honesty, I am. The way I am with most people is simply not the real me.

That's probably why I feel so out of place around here. Because I can't really be myself. There are so many versions of myself out there now, am I even sure which is the real me? I guess it would have to be the person I feel the most comfortable as.

Is that the person I am when I am here? Not really.
Is that the person I am when I am around my family? More or less, I do feel awkward sometimes, especially around a broader range of my family, basically the less closely related, the less comfortable I feel.
I really guess that the one person I feel like is really me is the person I am when I'm around Rey or Lisa. They are really the only people I feel I can be completely me with, and not feel like they are looking down on me when I'm saying or doing something crazy. Most likely I guess it would be because the two of them both know me. They know my history. They basically know about my childhood (or at least as much as I am comfortable with confiding in anyone with, sorry Rey, I think that there are some things that I haven't even told you.) and also understand my screwed up high school days. Most people I meet now just don't understand that stuff, and that's my fault. I'm not willing to share that anymore. Especially not with people that I barely know, because I think that people who don't already know me just won't understand, and because I just don't want to bring it up to myself anymore. I'm so reserved in my own shell that I just won't let anyone new in anymore. How will I ever manage to be completely happy, if this shell is the only thing holding me together, and doing so would mean breaking it apart?

I guess what I'll have to find in life is someone with whom I can be myself without having to explain my past...I don't think that's possible, or that it's ever going to happen. I hope to make it possible some day soon. Don't think the odds are good though.

Okay, I guess that's enough to try to comprehend for one night...I'll probably add more at some point. Good luck making sense of all of that up there.
*edit* That's 1,706 words for anyone who's curious.